Lady Garden Landscaping? Pluck no!

What do you think pubic hair is for?

We have eyebrows to stop sweat/dirt/nasties from running into our eyes. Pubic hair performs a similar function.

Pubic hair provides a cushion against friction (particularly during sex), a barrier between bacteria and your juicy parts, and also traps your lovely pheromones, in theory increasing how attractive we appear to potential sex partners.

I’m sure you all know the origin story of bald vulvas (porn industry, better visibility for cameras etc). But this seems to have warped into “pubic hair is dirty and gross.

Shaving or waxing your pubic hair has the square root of f**k all to do with hygiene. Pubic hair protects sensitive skin and traps bacteria before they enter the vagina, so when it’s removed, vaginal irritation can be more common.

Pubic hair removal naturally irritates and inflames the hair follicles left behind, leaving microscopic open wounds. When that irritation is combined with the warm moist environment of the genitals, it becomes a happy culture medium for some of the nastiest of bacterial pathogens, namely Group A Streptococcus, Staphylococcus aureus and its recently mutated cousin methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus (MRSA). There is an increase in staph boils and abscesses, necessitating incisions to drain the infection, resulting in scarring that can be significant. It is not at all unusual to find pustules and other hair-follicle inflammation papules on shaved genitals.

Pubic hair has a job to do – stop shaving and leave it alone

Should you wax or shave?

That is entirely up to you and what feels comfortable to you. But you should never be pressured by anyone else to landscape your lady garden (ugh).

My very first boyfriend rather destroyed my feelings when he told me that giving oral sex was something that he just found too gross. Naturally, he still expected me to give him oral sex…

The issue wasn’t that he didn’t enjoy giving oral sex – it was that he essentially told me that my vagina was disgusting. There was a scene when he literally gagged over me, tried to scrape me off his tongue with tissues, did an emergency teeth clean and a prolonged rinse with mouthwash.

This made seventeen-year-old me feel AWESOME.

He could have told me that he just didn’t enjoy giving oral sex. I would have been a bit miffed at the time (I’ll remind you that I was a teenager with much less understanding about consent than I have now!) but I would have accepted it. There was really no need for all the drama that followed what can best be described as an experiement gone awry…

If you’re struggling to imagine the reaction, take a look at any of those videos when someone eats the hottest nacho ever. It’s like a flashback for me.

The way that I dealt with this revelation that my vag was just plain gross was to shave. off. everything. To make my boyfriend feel a bit better about my crotch. To stop his nightmares of getting hair in his mouth (oh, the horror).

What did it do for me?

Really, nothing positive. I had maybe an hour of silky smooth skin, and then hellfire. I have sensitive skin anyway, but it never occurred to me that I would end up with an epic shaving rash on my vag.

Now it was my turn to react like the people eating that crazy hot nacho chip. Did I end up squatting in a tub of ice cream? No, not quite – even in my extreme discomfort, ice cream remained sacred. But, damn, it was a close call.

Instead, I slathered myself in calendula cream, prayed to the Vagina Gods that it would all be over soon, and curled up in a ball and cried.

I’d like to say I learned my lesson, but there were at least three other occasions when I opted for baldness. And yes, the results were the same every time.

Nowadays, I actively avoid making my vulva resemble a raw chicken breast. I have finally learned my lesson. My crotch will never be friends with a razor. Their fundamental values are just too different for a beautiful friendship to blossom against the background of this particular lady garden.